June 01--If actress Scarlett Johansson plays Hillary Rodham Clinton in "Rodham" -- the much ballyhooed movie bio of the young Hillary -- this is what will happen:
Hillary Clinton will be elected president of the United States.
And I'll have no choice but to vote for Hillary.
The prophecy was revealed recently on Capitol Hill during a Congressional hearing, when a ruthless political operative explained it all this way:
"What difference, at this point, does it make?"
Exactly, former Madam Secretary of State. You're a big-government statist. I'm not. But those differences would make no difference to me.
If Scarlett Johansson, she of the iconic pouty lips, plays Clinton in a movie about the young Hillary and the young Bill just as the 2016 presidential campaign is in full cry, then Hillary is in.
And within days of Clinton's inauguration, the nation will wonder:
How long must we wait before we carve Hillary's head on Mt. Rushmore?
"Rodham" takes us into the life of a 20-something Hillary as she pursues her brilliant career; a young lawyer on the Watergate Committee, helping to bring down President Richard Nixon.
To succeed, young, idealistic Hillary must navigate a fetid Washington political environment full of evil, florid, middle-aged white guys who just don't get it.
How can it not be a hit?
The who-will-play-Hillary question has been buzzing on the Internet this week. Just about the only question the Clinton people like even better than who-will-play-Hillary is: "When will Eric Holder resign?"
Such questions are much nicer than having to answer questions about what really happened in Benghazi. Agreed?
So will Hillary be played by Johansson?
Or will Reese Witherspoon, twangy Southern accent and all, melt in Bill's arms?
Perhaps the perky Emma Stone, great as Spider-Man's brilliant girlfriend, will do it.
And who plays Bill? Ryan Gosling?
"It's also really a journey of a woman who was torn between her personal desires and her professional ambition -- both literally pulled her thousands of miles apart, because Bill did not want to leave Arkansas, and she did not want to leave Washington, D.C.," screenwriter Young Il Kim told Politico earlier this year.
Readers have been calling in their own casting picks.
Some want Amy Poehler from "Parks and Recreation."
Others suggested Glenn Close as the present-day Hillary. As Close dreams of those early days, she begins boiling a rabbit on the stove.
Some blasphemers dared suggest the chunky Rosie O'Donnell and skinny Steve Buscemi to play in "Rodham."
Yes, O'Donnell is America's sweetheart. And Buscemi is a fine actor.
But Buscemi does not have anywhere near the range to play Hillary.
I know what you're thinking. Me, too. You're thinking of Johansson wearing high-necked dark paisley dresses, Birkenstocks and big eyeglasses. She needs a shampoo with herbal essence.
Hillary and Bill are in her Washington apartment. They listen to Leonard Cohen or Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, she thinks of Nixon's head on a plate and waits for Bill not to inhale.
Just then, the young lovers embrace, close their eyes, and imagine their future:
A future in which Hillary uses a fake Southern accent and the world cringes at her feet.
"There was this photo of Hillary when she was in her 20s with Coke-bottle glasses and long, hippie hair," Kim told Politico.
"And it was those two images that really made me realize that this would be a great way into this story just to focus on a moment in her life when she's in her 20s, and she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life."
Now she knows exactly what she wants to do with her life. And she knows exactly what she wants to do with your life, too.
Predictably, irrational, hateful Republicans won't like the movie. And they'll whine about some mythical, so-called liberal Hollywood political agenda. As if.
For some weird reason, the only movies about young Republicans made by Hollywood are pictures like "The Manchurian Candidate."
But if Hollywood-types ever decide to make a GOP presidential movie, they'll probably follow these never-conceived story lines:
"Release the Hounds" is Hollywood's take on the formative years of Republican libertarian 2016 presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.
And the young Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons" cartoon will be cast in the starring role.
In another such political picture, Zach Galifianakis stars as chunkily bombastic Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Our film begins with Galifianakis and his French bulldog waiting for President Barack Obama (Tyler Perry) to arrive in New Jersey in 2012 for the first of many public hug-fests.
Perry and Galifianakis don't like each other. But they're separated from the Secret Service, then get lost in the Pine Barrens. Hilarity ensues.
They end up as best buddies. They even persuade their wives to move both families into the White House. Butlers get confused. The guys build a treehouse to hide from the bureaucrats. And even more hilarity ensues.
Happily, "Rodham" isn't some screwball comedy. It's just pure Hillary, straight and true.
"Regardless of people's political affiliation or how they feel about Hillary Clinton, you don't find people who question the quality of her intelligence or her drive," James Ponsoldt, the director of the project, told a British newspaper. "I want a wonderful actress who could embody that."
And so does Clinton. If the Scarlett Johansson film does well (and how could it not?), a sequel should be planned for the re-election:
"Hillary II: The Reckoning."
(c)2013 the Chicago Tribune
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