Tell the truth -- what was your first reaction when you heard that Lindsay Lohan was going to play Elizabeth Taylor in a TV movie?
That's what I thought.
Was it more or less of a reaction than when you heard that Ashton Kutcher is set to play Steve Jobs in a movie?
Don't you wish that there was a quick and simple way to describe how you feel without going into a lengthy explanation?
For instance, when you heard that the Kardashian family had just signed a $40 million contract to continue their impossibly lame reality show for another three years, don't you wish there was a glossary of terms that you could refer to that would express the level of your reaction?
It doesn't even have to be a negative reaction. Some entertainment news might make you happy, and there should be an uncomplicated way to express how you feel about that as well.
Why should you have to search for the proper way to express yourself? You're busy people. You don't have the time to waste on this silly stuff.
The denizens of Barrywood are nothing if not helpful, so here is our guide to reacting to entertainment news.
Use this shorthand when you read your daily newspaper, peruse your weekly entertainment magazine or watch your nightly entertainment news programs. Use it when you're hanging around the water cooler, or reading tweets from your friends. In fact, this guide will help you on Twitter because you don't want to waste precious characters.
On a scale from good to bad:
1. I CAN SEE IT -- This reaction is usually accompanied by a nodding of the head, which might be difficult in a text. But that's why we have provided this guide. If you text "I can see it," the head nod is understood.
Example: Jennifer Lawrence's casting at Katniss in "The Hunger Games." While teen lovers of the book were outraged (see "Are they kidding?"), most adults familiar with her Oscar-nominated work in "Winter's Bone" recognized her acting skills, and knew she could pull off playing a 16-year-old. No one doubts her now.
Another example is Julia Roberts' casting as the Evil Queen in "Mirror Mirror." Although the actress presents a cheery image to the public, most industry insiders greeted the news of her casting with: "I can see it."
2. IT MAKES SENSE -- This is more vague than it sounds. It seems as if you approve of the news, but you're holding back final judgment. You're just not sure that this is a good idea.
Example: Josh Brolin stars in the new "Men in Black" sequel as Tommy Lee Jones as a young man. Hmmm, we're torn between "I can see it" and "Interesting." The more you think about it, the more "It makes sense."
3. INTERESTING -- You're not fooling anyone. You don't really get it, but you're not ready to go public with your negativity.
Example: Amanda Seyfried as the late porn star Linda Lovelace. This could easily have been a "Huh?" because of her sweet "Mamma Mia!" role, but she's pretty sexy in real life and the more you see her looking sexy on the red carpet, the more interesting the idea becomes.
4. HUH? -- Genuine bewilderment. You honestly don't believe what you've heard. You know it's true because why would anyone lie about something like that, but it's still hard to believe.
Example: When Andrew Garfield (he played the tall, dark and handsome Eduardo in "The Social Network") was picked to reprise the Spider-Man franchise, collective heads were scratched. Forget the casting; you couldn't believe they were re-making the whole Spidey movie series. Once you got over that news, then you started thinking about the casting and thought "Huh?"
Another example is Johnny Depp's casting as gothic vampire Barnabas Collins in "Dark Shadows." This news elicited a "Huh?" until you realized that Depp and director Tim Burton could pull it off.
5. ARE THEY KIDDING? -- This is your way to express total outrage. To you, this is further proof of the deterioration of society. The world is coming to an end.
This is easily the most popular reaction of all because people who follow the entertainment industry are constantly stunned by the ignorance that seems to drive most decisions.
Example: Let's start with Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor. It's only a Lifetime movie, but what were they thinking? We're all growing tired of hearing how talented she is, but when was the last time she proved that -- when she was 11? It is an insult to Elizabeth Taylor's memory to allow this troubled young actress to portray her, particularly as a ratings stunt.
Another example: Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs? Based on what? His millions of Twitter followers? How does that qualify him to portray anyone on the big screen? Are they kidding?
Barry Koltnow: email@example.com
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