It's so hard to be rich and famous these days.
Gossip magazines publish glossy pictorials every time you date, marry or
divorce. Paparazzi photographers dog your every step. You're criticized for
your weight, your fashion sense and your taste in baby names.
Plus, whenever you make a mistake, enterprising newshounds are happy to
advertise your error all over the blogosphere.
With that in mind, we'd like to recommend New Year's Day resolutions for
some of the many celebrities who screwed up this year. We wish them better
luck in 2012.
Charlie Sheen: I resolve to curb my ego.
Warner Bros. fired Charlie Sheen from the cast of Chuck Lorre's "Two and
a Half Men" in March, leading to a media firestorm that added the terms
"tiger's blood," and "Adonis DNA" to the lexicon. Sheen took his colorful
rants on the road (briefly) in April, served as a host at August's Gathering
of the Juggalos, and submitted to a Comedy Central Roast in September.
Meanwhile, "Two and a Half Men" returned to the air in September with new cast
member Ashton Kutcher. Sheen may think he's "winning," but he looks like a
loser to us.
Kim Kardashian: I resolve to talk to my next husband before we get
married.
We don't expect a lot of wisdom from Kim Kardashian, whose rise to fame
was catapulted by a homemade sex tape. But divorcing after just 72 days? Come
on, Kimmy. Kardashian married NBA power forward Kris Humphries in August, but
the wedded bliss didn't even make it to Halloween; the couple cited the
time-honored "irreconcilable differences" clause. The real reason, acc ing to
gossip website TMZ: Kardashian didn"t want to move to Minnesota, Humphries'
home state. You think maybe that could have been discussed before the $10
million wedding?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I resolve to keep it in my pants.
California's former governor has a long history of sexual peccadilloes
dating to his days as a champion bodybuilder. (Allegations of sexual
misconduct even haunted his 2003 gubernatorial campaign.) So it came as little
surprise when he and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, split in May -- just
days before The Los Angeles Times revealed that Schwarzenegger fathered a
child with a longtime household staffer. Hasta la vista, love life!
Lindsay Lohan: I resolve to not mimic other celebs' bad behavior.
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan had her share of run-ins with the law
before 2011. But in February, she got busted with a new twist -- for allegedly
stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Los Angeles jewelry store. The case drew
instant comparisons to that of Winona Ryder, who stole $5,500 worth of
clothing from a Beverly Hills store in 2001. By December, Lohan had won over
the judge, who praised her community service efforts. Now, the current issue
of Playboy -- with a nude Lohan on the cover -- is breaking sales records. As
a reward, we think she should buy herself a nice necklace.
Gilbert Gottfried: I resolve to realize when something is "too soon."
Gravelly voiced comic Gilbert Gottfried has spent his career spouting
off-color comments about everything from sex to the Sept. 11 terrorist
attacks. However, he took his humor too far in March when he tweeted tasteless
jokes about the massive earthquake and tsunami devastated much of Japan.
